How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
