Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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