You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
