Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
