Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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