my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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