im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
