Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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