I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
