I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
