Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize