apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
40s are totally the cure
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
