i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
