Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
