Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
