I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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