The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
We had sex on a dog bed..
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Just puked most of my soul out..
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