Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
