Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
