your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
