Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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