I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
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