I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Randomize