watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
