my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Randomize
