I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
