I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
