i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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