In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
