I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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