4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
