I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
