I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
