Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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