I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
