i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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