Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
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