dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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