Dude my mom stole all your condoms
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
