you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
