either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
How external is "for external use only"?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
