Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize