Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
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