I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize