At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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