He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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