when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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