So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
