umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
