Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
