I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
