remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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