I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
