So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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