And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
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