Even the bartender felt bad for me
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
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