Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Randomize
