I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
