don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
