You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize