then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
