you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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