I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
