I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
