I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
