sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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