i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I FOUND THE LEGS
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
