i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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