I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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